 |
|
|
 |
October 2002 By Kevin Elmore and Lisa Wilson Setting: All set to adventure with their shiny, freshly trained 4th-level characters, Kevin, Lisa, and Power Gamer are joined by Goth Chick. Evil GM: Jocastadarx, Sir Albert, and Attila, you are brunching at a quaint little inn where you’ve been staying. Power Gamer: What time is it? Am I drunk? Evil GM: What part of “brunching” don’t you understand? Kevin: I don’t understand why you’re using the term “brunching.” I don’t recall ever having “brunched” before, even though Sir Albert rarely eats before ten or eleven if he can at all help it, especially if he’s been staying at an inn that has good beer. Lisa: Yeah, and I don’t think we’ve ever stayed at a “quaint” inn before. Dank inns, loud inns, rat-infested inns, sure, but not “quaint” inns. Although, I think I rather prefer this more sophisticated inn than the previous ones. It gives me the feeling that it’s warm, bright, and welcoming. Goth Chick: How banal. Evil GM: Okay, just forget everything I just said. It’s a cold, misty night. You three are sitting near the hearth in a somewhat dilapidated inn that seems to be miles from nowhere. Due to the unpleasant weather and the isolated nature of the inn, there are few other patrons this evening. The innkeeper’s daughter, a buxom, young lass, brings you each a bowl of bland stew and fills your tankards with the house ale. Just as she fills Power Gamer’s tankard, the door opens and a figure enters. Goth Chick, would you like to describe your character? Goth Chick: At this point, all you can tell is that she’s wearing a black cloak with the hood up. Kevin: Whoa, black? I didn’t see that coming. Lisa: Jocastadarx invites her to join us by the fire. Kevin: Hey, since when are you the social one? I thought Albert was the one with all the social skills around here. Power Gamer: That’s not fair. I never get to be the first one to talk to the new chicks. Lisa: That is because your idea of meeting a new woman is to drool and say, “Hey, baby, what say we make good use of this dead sheep?” Kevin: I’m surprised Power Gamer has figured out that sheep parts can be used for more than just food and clothing. Power Gamer: I’ll be good. Just let me talk to her; I never get a chance. Kevin: Oh, quit whining. You’re still upset about that level-losing incident last week. Power Gamer: Shut up! I’m gonna get my levels back. You just wait. Lisa: I have to say, Evil GM, it was pretty cruel of you to swipe those levels away from our power gaming friend over here. It was—dare I say it?—rather evil. Evil GM: Thank you. I quite pride myself on my evil nature. Goth Chick: It’s what drew me to him. Power Gamer: Okay, enough talk about my lost levels! Let’s get back to gaming. Are there any rats or other vermin I can kill? I need some experience points. Evil GM: You don’t see any rats. Kevin: Sir Albert says, “Join us by the fire. I’m Sir Albert and these are my companions, Jocastadarx and Attila the Hunter.” Goth Chick: I remove my hood and approach the table. “I am Lily.” You can now see that Lily is a beautiful, young half-elf. She has extremely pale skin, and her eyes are a unique blue that sometimes seem to border on violet, and at other times, they tend more towards green. Kevin: Whoa, am I looking at a woman’s eyes or an acid trip? Lisa: She has kaleidoscope eyes. Kevin: Two points for the Beatles reference. Power Gamer: So Lily is beautiful? Goth Chick: That’s right. Power Gamer: I’ll show up Sir Albert and talk to Lily. “So, you come around here often? Wanna come up to my room for a good time?” Evil GM: What do you think you’re doing? Power Gamer: I’m introducing myself to Lily. Evil GM: You’re hitting on my girlfriend. Kevin: Didn’t you break up? Lisa: That was last week. Kevin: Oh, how silly of me. Evil GM: And how bad for Attila the Hunter. As he stands there trying to pick up on my girlfriend, one of the rafters collapses and lands on Attila for 8 points of damage. Kevin: Wow, at this rate, we’ll never get through the obligatory dungeon and find our loot. Lisa: This is true. As much as I enjoy humiliating Power Gamer, we have been stagnant far too long. Goth Chick: A good point. I’ll apply my healing arts as a bard and heal some of that damage. Lisa: Hey, now Sir Albert is not the only healer in the group. Kevin: That’s just as well. I get the feeling that if I lay hands on Lily, I’ll lose one of them. Power Gamer: Yeah, that was totally unfair. It’s not like I was actually hitting on Goth Chick. It’s just Attila getting friendly with Lily. Evil GM: Do you want another rafter, Casanova? Power Gamer: Uh, no, sir. Goth Chick (sidling next to Evil GM): That was well done. Lisa: I think I see an equation here. Kevin: You mean the more Goth Chick coos, the more lunch I lose? Lisa: There is that. Also, the more evil he becomes, the more she’s attracted to him. Kevin: Oh, great. Goth Chick: I tell the three adventurers that I know of a dungeon where I can acquire a harp that ensnares men. If they assist me, they can keep the other treasure they find. Kevin: How can I turn down an offer to get treasure in exchange for helping someone gather something to ensnare me? Evil GM: After a few hours of travel, you find the dungeon and enter. Lisa: We need a light source. Say, Lily, do your multi-hued eyes come in flashlight color? Goth Chick: Oh, very funny. I’ll cast a spell for light and walk on in. Evil GM: Um, so you’re going in first? Goth Chick: Of course I am. I have the light source, don’t I? Evil GM: Okay, then I need you to make a Reflex save. Goth Chick: I rolled a 21. What did I avoid? Evil GM: Nothing. Goth Chick: Good, I keep on walking. Evil GM: No, I meant you failed the saving throw. You needed a 28. Goth Chick: What happened? Did I sprain my ankle? Did a rock fall on my head? Evil GM: Actually, you fell in a 20-foot-deep pit. Lisa: I guess I’ll throw a rope to her. Evil GM: The rope dissolves as gallons of green slime fill the pit. Kevin: Maybe you’ll float to the top before you die. Evil GM: Well, that would be possible if 30 tons of rocks didn’t fall from the ceiling to bury her and the slime. Lisa: Hey, what’s green and flat and smells like a frog’s rear end? A Lily pad. Kevin: Heh, good one. Goth Chick: No, it wasn’t. That was completely uncalled for! Why did that trap have a difficulty of 28? I couldn’t have made that. Evil GM: The trap was actually there for Power Gamer. Normally, he goes in front and triggers these things. How was I to know that you would choose to walk in front instead? Goth Chick: You could have just not used that trap on me. Evil GM: Then I would have been less evil. How could I be evil if I let you get away with that? Goth Chick: You’re only supposed to be evil to other people. You can’t be evil to me. Evil GM: You have to admit that it was dumb to walk in the lead when there were two rogues in the party. Lisa: Uh-oh. Someone said the D word. Goth Chick: I can’t believe you said that. I’m out of here. You can play your sick trap games without me. Power Gamer: Thanks for saving my character. Call me. Goth Chick (storming out): Grr! Kevin: On a bright note, we have Evil GM all to ourselves now. Lisa: Yeah, lucky us. Next month: Jocastadarx ensnares the hearts of men instead. Did you miss September’s article? |
